Yes... I will be brave

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?" -Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) You've Got Mail

I have actually watched other movies besides this one - this one just has so many quotes that I adore. Anyway - I have decided that I have been cheating myself all along and really it doesn't matter anymore whose fault it is because at the end of the day there is good news and there is bad news. The good news is that I am the only one who can fix it and the bad news is that I am the only one who can fix it. Just me. Little old me. I have to require more of myself. I have to be brave.

Now - I know that there are people who will read this and laugh wondering how I can possibly consider a career change to be brave. I can tell you - it is scary. Maybe just for me but I suspect that there are many people too afraid to make things right in their own lives. For me it means that I have to look at myself with the kind of honesty that typically stops my heart if only for a moment. It means I have to actually appreciate that which is good about me - that which has value. That which I typically shove down into some dark little corner and ignore because it is so damn demanding. But I am ready. I owe it to myself - not just myself but to my husband and to my son. They deserve a whole me - the best me available. Not this version I have become.

And so I shall be brave. I will learn that even unintentional false modesty is just another for m of lying and the most honest approach I can take is to assess myself fairly - as though I were assessing pretty much anyone else. Fairly and with integrity.

I swear I can do this.

Hmmm... Who knew it would be so helpful so fast?!

So - without getting all graphic and detailed let me share that I have been to my OB/GYN for girl issues (duh.) After several tests I have to report that it is not my thyroid (It is NEVER my thyroid - they ALWAYS think it is but it NEVER is) but I apparently have a hormonal imbalance. Not a shock to me. If you google "estrogen dominance" it pretty much explains everything that is plaguing me of late. I just never imagined that a "real" doctor would entertain that dx.

SO - I started on Natural Progesterone Cream three days ago. I have slept well for the first time in like- 6 or 8 months. Maybe longer. I don't know. I feel more calm. HUGE relief for me. It is exhausting to be panicked virtually every minute of the day. I guess I didn't really expect to see any difference for at LEAST a week. But I am thrilled! If I can get everything else under control I think I might have a big party!

I will go back to my doctor in February - we shall see what he thinks then. In case anyone is interested, this is the cream I am using. You can learn more about estrogen dominance at Dr. John Lee's website (RIP, Dr. Lee).