16 November 2007

Yes... I will be brave

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?" -Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) You've Got Mail

I have actually watched other movies besides this one - this one just has so many quotes that I adore. Anyway - I have decided that I have been cheating myself all along and really it doesn't matter anymore whose fault it is because at the end of the day there is good news and there is bad news. The good news is that I am the only one who can fix it and the bad news is that I am the only one who can fix it. Just me. Little old me. I have to require more of myself. I have to be brave.

Now - I know that there are people who will read this and laugh wondering how I can possibly consider a career change to be brave. I can tell you - it is scary. Maybe just for me but I suspect that there are many people too afraid to make things right in their own lives. For me it means that I have to look at myself with the kind of honesty that typically stops my heart if only for a moment. It means I have to actually appreciate that which is good about me - that which has value. That which I typically shove down into some dark little corner and ignore because it is so damn demanding. But I am ready. I owe it to myself - not just myself but to my husband and to my son. They deserve a whole me - the best me available. Not this version I have become.

And so I shall be brave. I will learn that even unintentional false modesty is just another for m of lying and the most honest approach I can take is to assess myself fairly - as though I were assessing pretty much anyone else. Fairly and with integrity.

I swear I can do this.


iFred said...

I "feel your pain," as they say. I recall a crisis in my own life that was similar. It happened over 50 years ago. I was working as an art director in a mid-sized printing company in a small town. It was a dead-end job and I knew it. I was making just enough money to barely get by month-by-month. I needed to move to a larger city where there was more opportunity for an artist.

Then, my wife announced she was pregnant with our first child! I knew it was time I either moved on or our boat was going to sink!

I was frightened and very excited at the same time. I had to give up my somewhat comfortable, yet low paying, current job in order to go to another state and find work.

It was a very stressful time. What to do?

I don't know if it was my anxiety, or that everything happens for a purpose, but as the baby's due date approached closer and closer, I really began to screw up at work. I screwed up so much, I got myself fired! That was a shock, but it was the kick in the seat of my pants that forced me to move on and find a much better job that paid exactly twice what I was making.

That happened in October and our son was born in December. Whew! I made it just under the wire! Our son will be 50 this December, and he is an art director and partner in a local ad agency - and best of all, he is doing far better than dear old dad ever did.

Just remember, it is always darkest just before sunrise. You'll be okay, Daisy. I just know it!

Frog said...

Totally unrelated, but Happy Birthday!!

BroncosFan74 said...

You CAN do this, and I understand how scary it is. I thought about a career change when I was pregnant with DS, but ultimately, I didn't do it. The good thing though is that I ended up finally getting transferred to the job that they wanted to put me in for years, and I couldn't be happier. You need to do what is best for YOU, and what will make you happy. Good luck Daisy, you deserve to be happy.

Sugee Andersyn said...

That's awesome and so inspiring. I like this post. I was drawn to your blog from a comment you left on drowseymonkey's blog regarding "checking with your husband first". I was really so moved by the beautiful words you had in your response. Thanks for that! :)

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