22 August 2008

Yeah - Well, Who Asked Me?!?

Today, at my gal Mindi's blog, Moms Need to Know, she trashed the wide leg pant. Min - ya know I love ya, but here is where you and I shall part company. You must never throw the baby out with the bath water. One single commandment condemning all wide leg pants does not do the fat girl any good...

As with any fashion, there are rules for pants. One must follow rules if one wants to avoid looking dumpy. These rules are for those of us with a more ample ass (among other things)...

First - WRITE THIS DOWN ON YOUR HAND SO YOU DON"T FORGET: It is not about size. It is about fit. The number you see on the tag doesn't mean a damn thing. It is just a subjective number thrown on there by the manufacturer. A 14 in a Gap pant will not necessarily work for the gal quite comfy in a 14 from the Avenue. Does this mean it is time for a meltdown if you can't squeeze your bottom into a 14 at the Gap? Uhm no. It means GET A BIGGER PAIR. There's a reason women's pants don't sport waist measurements or anything else on the outside tag. It's called: WHO CARES?? Just as long as you look smashing, darling! Get over it and get a bigger pair.

Okay - next: when choosing pants/trousers/knickers - whatever you want to call them, the ideal silhouette for pants is going from your widest part straight down. So - if your widest part is quite wide this actually necessitates a wide leg pant... right?

Also: You need to wear a heel most likely. It is a rare gal who can pull off a flat in a wider leg pant. Doesn't have to be a go-go boot with 5" spiked heels - but you are going to need a little lift. Just insures that you don't look like you have PJ's on. Ya know?

Waist - not too low, not too high... And please!!!! NO MUFFIN TOPS! EW. Gross. And rise - well - make sure you fit in there. all together. No one wants to see your undies sticking out. Don't tell all those little chippies who think it looks all hot to have their thong sticking out the top of their pants and sporting a peek at their ass-cracks. It makes them look cheap - but they don't want to hear that - they would throw back that we are just jealous - okay. yeah, whatever. Bottom line - fat girls - NEVER do this. You don't have that kind of margin for error. You can most likely get those skinny chicks back in the cleavage department - but that's a post for another day.

If you are short, you should stay away from a crop pant. Arguably also capris, but until someone can tell me how to keep my legs from sticking to my car interior it is capris all the way for me when it is hot out.

Okay - so that is the scoop on pants... Oh yeah - I almost forgot - stay away from a pattern on the bottom. Some may argue with me on this point, but I truly think that none of us need any help creating the visual illusion that we are BIGGER on our bottoms - right? If I am wrong - go on ahead and wear that large floral print on your butt. Rock on... more power to ya!


Lara said...

Ha, as a relatively tall/skinny chick, I still avoid patterns on my butt. I'm built in a way that hides the fact that it's larger than you'd think... I prefer to keep that hidden too!

I don't care for wide-leg pants on me, but on some people they look awesome. I'd agree that heels are a must.

And crop pants are just ick on most anyone.

Sandi said...

I wore pants like this back in the 70's. My butt was definitely smaller then. Thanks for the tips - I love your description of the sizes in pants and how they really don't mean much.

Evelyn said...

Wide leg pants are my FAVORITE! Great post!